I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had periods were our faith is not nearly as strong as it had been in the past for whatever reason. For me, I had always believed in God but my idea of him was vast and complicated. At this moment in time, I had not yet known Jesus and so without the Bible I had only my heart to base my beliefs as well as all the influences I had encountered through my life.
On April 3rd, I was crying and driving to yoga and called out to God to please help me believe in him. I had spent the last two months trying all types of churches and looking for a community of people I could make friendships with. I had moved to another state almost a year ago and had yet to make new friendships. I was starting to feel really lonely and was missing my old friends back home. Unfortunately, some of the churches I tried were an elderly only community, others had great events on their calendars but when I went, I ended up being the only person there, others I had called or emailed and never got a response, one was just outright crazy with people lying on the floor saying they were having conversations with God (we literally ran from that place) and so I was starting to feel like giving up. I debated just going back to my solitary worship. And so with all this feeling of hopelessness I called out to God praying that if he wants me to worship him with others to please help me find the right church and community.
Being in the upset state I was, I was nearly in two car accidents on my way to the yoga class. I wondered if it were God showing me he was protecting me when I had come so close to being hurt. Then when I went into yoga I was lying underneath a fan and the light reflection on the blades looked like a pair of two crosses. I wondered if that were confirmation that he was with me in those two moments. But I disregarded it saying things (good or bad) always happen in 3s, not 2s. Then I said to myself that's too easy of a sign to make myself see. So I said, show me a sign with mother Mary (thinking that would be harder to make up in my head). I looked around the room and saw an angel carved into a Himalayan salt lamp but said no, that's me trying to see something that's not there.
A moment later the teacher came to the front of the room and said "I don't normally start the class with chanting an Om, but Mary at the front desk is having a really stressful day, so I told Mary we'd all chant her a nice loud Om so she could hear it all the way out there." I almost missed the sign and then realized how fast God had answered my request. I began crying again. Then 30mins into the class the fire alarm went off. I completely froze into the fetal position with my hands covering my ears. It took me a few moments, enough that everyone else had left the studio, before I could see straight enough and start to move on autopilot. I grabbed my shoes, coat and mat and headed out of the studio, down the hall, and out the main door in a head haze. Only when I got to my car did I realize if I hadn't panicked I would have realized I was sitting in front of an emergency exit door on which the other side was my car because it was the last parking spot available when I had pulled in. So there was my 3rd save of the night on top of my Mary request. The next day on April 4th I found my church, one with a large young adult community that has been extremely welcoming and has many events.
As a trauma survivor I have learned to move forward in my life and heal from my past by exploring many passions such as spirituality, art, travel & herbalism. I hope my blog can help inspire healing in others and let them know they are not alone on their journey.